Keep Moving Forward, Maslow-Style
Many of us have a special memory of a time in our lives that we remember with fondness. Sometimes we even wish we could go back and relive those moments of our lives again. I was reminded quite poignantly a few years ago that no matter how good a memory may be, it’s only a memory, and other than in our dreams, we can’t go back and relive it.
When I was about 13, after I was abandoned by my mother, my dad and I lived for a year with my Great Aunt Rose. Because of my dad’s work schedule, most of the time it was just Aunt Rose and me. Aunt Rose had a small farmhouse with about 5 acres in a rural area outside Tulsa, Oklahoma. While I lived with her, she raised chickens and ducks, had a few horses, and cared for a huge garden. I remember many an evening when we would sit outside on the back porch looking at the stars while snapping green beans from the garden. We had a lot of great conversations during that year. And although she owned a television, it was very rarely ever on—although she liked watching the Waltons occasionally. Aunt Rose had been very close to my grandmother, her sister, who passed away when I was about 10, and she basically took over being my grandmother after that. Coming from a broken home, the memory of my time with Aunt Rose is very special to me, and sometimes I wish I could go back and relive those memories.
By the time I was 18, Aunt Rose was too old to care for the farm any longer, so she sold it to her grandson, Donny. Donny remodeled the home and built a machine shop on the property that he operated for many years.
Right after my father died (when I was 21), I stayed briefly with my cousin Donny in the remodeled home and sadly that was the last time I ever saw Donny or my great Aunt’s farmhouse again.
About two years ago my wife and I took my mother’s ashes to my father’s gravesite in Sinnett, Oklahoma and while there, we visited the site of my childhood memories of Aunt Rose—her old farm house. To my surprise, shock actually, the house and the machine shop, everything that was on the property, was completely, mysteriously gone—the only thing there was bare acreage. Not even a mailbox remained. It was as if a massive tornado dropped down and carried everything away. Perhaps it did. We haven’t been able to find a trace of any of the family or what happened to the old family farm. This was a sobering reminder that our memories of past events are all that we have of those events and we can never go back.
Of course, there are some memories where the inability to ‘go back’ is a good thing, especially our bad memories. But here’s the thing: when negative memories are made during our formative years, those first impressions made early in life lay the foundation for our belief system later in life. And when the impressions of difficult childhood events are not challenged or redirected early on, they can wreak havoc on us throughout our lifetime. As the saying goes, “We always revert to our earliest hurt.”
Although these negative memories can involve any aspect of our lives, for this article I’m specifically thinking about how I struggled terribly with dyslexia in school and the negative self-belief system that I formed at a very young age—i.e. I’m stupid, broken, don’t fit in, etc. A negative self-belief system like this can stifle growth and even make later successes in life feel like they’re undeserved. Negative beliefs zap us of our happiness. But there’s good news! We can change our belief system, even one that’s been with us for most of our life.
I remember something I heard a long time ago that’s very apropos to this situation, and that is that the wake of the boat is not what drives the boat. The wake is just what’s left behind. When we operate from the events of our past (our negative self-belief system), then we’re allowing our wake to drive us. And limit us! The sad truth is that the wake of a negative self-belief system developed in childhood will not lead us anywhere good. We will always remain in the bad place we lived as a child until we challenge those negative beliefs about ourselves and change them.
So if like me you’ve struggled over the years with a negative self-belief system, what can you do now to reprogram your negative thoughts and begin moving forward instead of just looking back? Abraham Maslow‘s wisdom can help. He was a psychologist who had a singular approach: while most psychologists spend their careers studying what goes wrong in people’s lives, Maslow wanted to understand how people got things right. He created Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs which points to a system of development that culminates in self-actualization, or reaching our full potential. He observed that throughout the day, we face countless (seemingly) small decisions, that boil down to either stepping back into the safety of the known (our old belief systems) or stepping forward into the unknown, which is where all growth takes place.
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You seem like you went through a lot in your childhood. Thanks for sharing some of your memories.
great quote. we all do what we can when we can
Your story is just amazing. I have a lot of trouble with my own thoughts and how I handle things. I really need to try your approach.
This is a great story. Its such a great experience. Your childhood is interesting to look back on. But I know, you had a lot of learned about your past. Such a very strong person.
I enjoyed reading this post. I can relate very well. I have always had self doubt and negative thoughts about myself. I always compare myself with my siblings who are enjoying a post up there in the corporate ladder. I am happy for them though, however, it pains me to see them and see me. Where is the disconnect? I continue with my thrust of moving forward and doing the best I can for myself and for my family.
I really love your story and writing style. Although we had land, I would’ve loved to grow up with chickens, and ducks, and horses! I had an aunt who lived very close to us, and I spent a lot of time with her and my cousins. Great, great memories for me!
I have so many negative memories from my childhood. Perhaps that is why I have so many negative thoughts about people today. Maybe I do need to reprogram these memories. I have never thought about it like this. Great post, by the way.
Thanks so much for sharing your story! I love reading uplifting stories from the heart. Such a great help for people having negative thoughts.
What a beautiful story. I love to hear from the heart.
What an important story to share. We have all struggled with self-doubt in some way. It is truly important to keep moving forward.
I used to snap beans with my step-grandmother when I was little too. So many great memories. That’s too bad your aunt’s farm is no longer there 🙁 This does sound like a good way to handle those negative thoughts that tend to creep up, even on the best of us.
I can’t imagine going back to a special place like that and it not being there. That would be so traumatic.
I can see how reversing some of those negative thought patterns could go a long way in helping you succeed. It’s definitely worth working on.
I certainly feel that negative thoughts can be difficult to correct, but it is an important topic to address. This method sounds extremely helpful and empowering!
Thank you for sharing your story, it really resonated with me and some of the issues I had myself in my early life and how I have held onto them thank you.
What a great approach to take. I always have self doubt and always wonder different and better ways to deal with it.
This is the perfect method for me and the way that I think. I have struggled in the past with negative self perceptions – as all of us have. The thing about this method is that it makes sense and doesn’t fee like anew age scam or something.
Thank you for sharing your story. I have had self doubt and damaging self-thoughts many times in my life. This sounds like an excellent way to deal with them.
It sounds like a great approach. I definitely struggle with negative feelings and thoughts sometimes.